Episode 7 : Funky Complaints, Air Freshener Hate, and Playing the Fool

Woke up, realizing there’s a whole other side to this air freshener business we’ve neglected to consider. Those who hate on us. No, they aren’t necessarily “haters” that hate everything we do, say, and represent. They just hate on our methodology. They hate what a Lyft or Uber driver must do to earn a 5-Star rating. They get on forums like Reddit, spout facts from an Ai chat bot and call it “law”. Only because it aligns with their feelings. Speaking from experience, these people have a deeper problem they want to get off their chest. A deeper hatred.

No one is bigger than the program, so online rage is understandable. But y’all will never believe one of the funkiest complaints we received during our time as a Lyft driver in Florida.

It was mid-summer 2020. I’m running around the outskirts of Orlando on a regular Saturday afternoon. Busy, steady, but overall frustrating. Running back and forth, nowhere far. To the Caribbean grocery store in Pine Hills. To some Universal Studios hotel, dropping off another family from Europe on their holiday vacation destination. Me and Boogie got compliments, constantly. It was fun, for Florida was a lonely place. I wasn’t as young anymore as some of my NASCAR colleagues, and didn’t have many friends. We were still new to the area. That never stopped us from hustling. This one Saturday, the next customer did.

Shawty was gorgeous, but I could tell right away she would be problematic. She was like me. From the islands but displaced in this American tropical place. Trini, single mom, picking up her groceries from Walmart. At first, she got inside Boogie and smiled. Super chatty, after I helped with her groceries, before I pulled off she said “Could we wait for one moment? My boyfriend is coming out the store.” Cool! Not an issue, you’ve got a man who doesn’t help you physically, alright. Wonder why she sleeps with this guy at night. Not my story to tell. I went about waiting and the gentleman eventually joined us in the Jeep.

We had a very long ride, oh, yea this one was a whopper in terms of payout. $42 felt like catching the winning bass in a fishing competition. Lyft was only feeding me $3-6 USD rides. That’s life, and by this time in my side hustle career, I started figuring out the system. Eventually, if you been in the clock long enough they want to make sure you match the daily average of other Lyft drivers in the area. Boogie and I were long overdue.

But this ride, oh what fun. This lovely couple fought the whole time. Shawty kept eyeballing me in the rearview. Asking me questions, talking about how crappy a decision maker she is.. and here was the kicker: she asked me about music. Oh man, that’s dangerous. You’re a Trini gyal. I know where the convo goes once you start asking a man about their music taste. Maybe that’s a terrible assumption. But damn if that wasn’t the vibe she was throwing, all I had to do was breathe and I knew she was goin.

But I didn’t lean into the unspoken truth. I could see homeboy sweating. He wanted control back over an environment he lost.

This crazy ahh Lyft story brought to you by SMEL-U-LATR. Weird name, amazing air freshener.

So her boyfriend had asked me for a favor after we arrived to their original destination. “Hey bro, could you extend our ride? I gotta get my check from my job, they didn’t wanna give it to me yesterday. I’ll give you and extra $50” honestly, with what I made from Lyft by that point, plus that extra $50 sounded like an early day. I didn’t wanna spend my whole day slaving in the streets. One does want to be able to enjoy living in Florida. All the surfing lessons and boat trips we passed up on, cause we wanted to fix our past.

So yea, I accepted the challenge. I’m getting paid, and at least I’m practicing my flirting techniques. Shawty was overly warm, and that was a red flag. Didn’t really wanna go too far, but I do know the power of seduction. All I had to do was drive and play the tunes Shawty wanted to hear. That was easy enough. So we rode to one side of Orlando all the way below the Disney exits. It was getting swampy. Made our stops, then rode all the way back to an old amusement park. They were grateful, and by the end of our journey, they were super cool. Invited me to hang out later. They loved the vanilla smell of my jeep. They loved my air freshener selection. They vibed to all the tunes. So much so, I thought homeboy dropped his fake beef with me. “Yo Dave, you wanna party with us later tonight?”

This idea didn’t sound half bad. But, I had a home girl from NYC coming down and wanted to kick it on Sunday. I wanted to desperately do that, NYC lady was supposed to be the “one”. But this story ain’t about her.

I meet back with the couple around 8:30pm that night. They invite me into their hotel, hesitant, I kept my protection on Me. Never know what people may try. They were cool, but I don’t really know Florida like that. And Florida don’t know Me. Thankfully that’s what this whole lesson taught me. Never get too close. No matter how desperate you may feel for real connection. Or at least get to know people somewhere less intimate than their hotel room.

Shawty’s music turned up loud. I wondered, if you’re a single mom, where’s the kid? Oh that’s why. Cocaine everywhere. Razors, and a lil bit of liquor. They were dancing, I was watching. I didn’t feel in danger. And they didn’t have any intent but to kick it with a cool ass dude, who just so happens to have a cool ass car.

They offered, but I turned it down. Still had my rendezvous with my NYC boo. So I suggested we take the party to a different scenario.

We walked around this old amusement park, right outside the Disney and Universal theme park exits. We rode a couple of the rides, hung in the arcade, and shared drinks at the bar. Their attitude was a lot more harmonious. Couldn’t tell if it was the drugs they took or it was the fact we still were having fun from earlier in the day. But then, things got interesting.

I do not judge people. Everyone is hurting through something. Culturally, people are super different. So in the interest of earning their business again, I held my tongue when Shawty said something slick to her man. We were at the bar. She leaned over to me to whisper something she didn’t wanna say in front of him. Now, I probably should have halted her. But like I said, I controlled the whole situation. Homeboy wanted to be cool with me cause he thought I could get him access to races. Shawty was eye fucking me all night. I had enough drinks in me by this time to change my mind about keeping my integrity with her. Truthfully, I couldn’t find a way to ditch homeboy without him getting disrespectful and me having to embarrass him, and that could go left. Fast. That’s never the energy I wanna have, plus I hated when mofos were acting like that with me when I was younger in the game. I’ve had mofos steal my girl in my face. That shit hurt. And I’ve definitely stolen and won my fair share too, but that game was getting old. Wanted to hang up my shark ways. They got me into nothing but trouble in my twenties and now that I was in my mid thirties, I was trying to mature in my decisions. As the night hit later, I was realizing my decisions had been poor from the start.

Maybe that’s why I decided to switch the scene again. But homeboy caught on. He started holding Shawty closer. I got her phone number, Tik Tok and IG when he went to the bathroom. Fuck is you talking about! I knew I could take it and I had to. That was my downfall.

As that night went on, I realized my moment would be never. Homeboy was a hoe for the yayo. He had to get his fix so fucking much. It was very sad. The more he snorted the more erratic he became. I sensed it, and started planning my exit. They kept promising to have one of their homegirls come through to meet us so I would be a third wheel. I was so caught up on trying to chase his shawty, my damsel in distress that I was tryna get off her dress, that homeboy had me only running around town to the plugs that he owed. Homeboy wasn’t a good trapper, and was probably in the hole for how him and his shawty used their supply. They had a habit. And to me, I couldn’t be down. No matter how fine she is, if she gotta toot up to get down then leave her be.

It was 3am, and after stopping at the third AMSCOT  in a row I ditched the couple in the parking lot. They were using me to run around illegally. They didn’t have the decency to hide it anymore and didn’t wanna pay me. They thought that buying me a drink and letting me flirt with your girl doesn’t mean I’m not a businessman. Plus, they were moving crazy. Homeboy wasn’t strapped but  his shawty had evil in her eyes. The lust I felt hours ago morphed into sadness. She was too burnt out in the brain for me to take her serious. Her rude mouth was a turn off. And in some sense, the coke turned her beauty of an 8 down to a 4. They were running low on money, and gas ain’t free. All my extra earning I had almost ran through partying with them, waiting on a ghost chick. I needed gas money to make it to see…oh fuck.

It’s now 7am. I’m calling miss NYC. I have to apologize and tell her why I’m not coming, I just “got home from work”. Which was half true, but what I lost twice that night due to desperation were real opportunities.

I chased dirty money and did a lot of dirty mackin’. My decisions led to me not making it to see the one I thought I wanted, a disappointment I could have fully avoided. And to add insult to injury, I was low key hanging with two crack babies. All from the desperation of loneliness. But damn. I’m falling for the trap. Two days later I get a message from Lyft: “You have a complaint that you forced your customers into dangerous places to purchase drugs”

Oh shit: these mofos is trying to play me. That was the funkiest review from a dirty duo. I keep my business clean for a reason, but desperation had me chasing after any heart beat that was my type and looked my way. I beat the case. Their claims went nowhere and I kept my job. Learned quickly that day, if they cannot bring you down with them, your life they will try to rob.

Mofos are poisonous, and you can’t chill with everyone. The 90s are over, and you’ve got a job to do. So now that you’ve learned your lesson, keep your business clean, and your car cleaner. People wonder why drivers must use hanging air fresheners? Because the demons only complain when their powers are drained. Upset their sense of smell, a whole post trying to bring down an industry that’s helped more than most. And yes, we’ve also read the medical studies. No proof has been confirmed or certified. So don’t be fooled. The truth about being a Lyft Driver and the stuff we go through on the internet is with Moonlight Mango. Gotta read between the lies.